Hilarious Quotes of the Famous
Will Rogers
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Our public men are speaking every day on something, but they ain't saying anything.
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.
Harry Truman
My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.
Johnny Carson
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Groucho Marx
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection
Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported
I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.
So many men... so little time.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Is that a gun in your pocket George or are you just happy to see me?
It's not the men in my life that counts -- it's the life in my men.
George Burns
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Bob Hope
I do benefits for all religions -- I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
There are 86 golf courses in Palm Springs, and Jerry Ford never knows which one he's going to play until his second shot.
Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.