Selected Irish Jokes

Note: If you have any funny stories you'd like to share with the world, send them along. I'll put your name to it. Enjoy!

§   Mike lay dying on his bed. His wife Brigid asked, Is there anything you want Luv?"

"What is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"

"Oh Mike, it's a ham I'm baking "

"Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have a slice of that ham you’re cooking."

"Sorry luv, I’m saving that for the wake."

§   "Did you hear that Flannigan invented an invisible deodorant?" asked Walker.

"No, what good is it?" Replied Riley.

"Well, if you use it, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from."

§   The Doctor was puzzled. "I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."

"Don’t worry about it Doctor Kelley, I’ll come back when you’re sober."

§   "Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece?"

"No, Nora, but I’m getting closer all the time."

§   A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks, "Two pints of Guinness."

The confused bartender answered, Sorry, no animals are allowed at the bar.

"Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up. Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son."

"Well," said the bartended, "I guess this pig is very special so I’ll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he's missing one leg. What happened?"

"Well," said the young man, "when you got a pig this good you don’t eat him all at once."

§   Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.

"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said, 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.'

'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.'

'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.'

'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"

§   Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers."

§   O'Toole worked in the lumberyard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

"Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

§   Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

§   Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."

"But Father, I'm no longer a child!"

"I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

§   Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough!" Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"

Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment. A bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"

"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."

§   In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

§   Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

§ Two drunks stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man who lived to the age of 103!"

"Glory be, Patrick, and was it anybody we knew?"

"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin."

§ Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. The kindly newsman told her that it cost one dollar a word, and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale."

§ Two Irishmen had just won $5,000,000 in a lottery. Over a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them begging letters?"

Sean replies, "We'll just keep sending them."

§ O'TOOLE: "My wife hates drink. She used to say: "Lips that touch drink will never touch mine" ... so I haven't kissed her in ten years. ...

§ Irish One Liners

Q: How do you ruin St. Paddy's day for an Irishman? Make him the

designated driver.

Paddy drove his lorry off Beachy Head to test the air brakes.

Paddy went to his dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in.

Paddy thought that Pontious Pilate worked for Air Lingus.

Paddy's show-band was asked to do something typically Irish, so they

    demolished the roof of the theatre and dug up the car park.

Paddy's wife wanted a coat of animal skin, so he bought her a donkey

    jacket.

§ McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?"

"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling, and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred McCuen. " Bishop Calahan has it!"

§ Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew, and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the priest. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

§ Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day. Paddy said, "Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there."

"I can't see, there'res trees in the way."

§ What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

§ One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

§ Seamus O' Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irishman for three years running. He'd topped such shows as Larry Gogans' "Just a Minute Quiz." The Irish Mensa board suggested that he enter the English Mastermind Championships. He did and won a place. On the evening of the competition, Seamus entered from the audiance. He placed himself confidently on the leather seat. The lights dimmed. A spot flushed his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History."

"Very well said Magnus, Your first question. In what year did the Easter Rising take Place?"

Seamus responds. "Pass"

"Okay!" said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?"

"Pass"

Okay!" said Magnus, "How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

"Pass"

§ Instantly, a voice shouted from the audiance, "Good man Seamus...Tell the English nothing...

    ~ BLESSINGS ~

§ May the lilt of Irish laughter Lighten every load. May the mist of Irish magic Shorten every road. May you taste the sweetest pleasures that fortune ere bestowed. And may all your friends remember. All the favors you are owed.

§ May your blessings outnumber The Shamrocks that grow. And may trouble avoid you Wherever you go.

§ May your home be filled with laughter. May your pockets be filled with gold. And may you have all the happiness your Irish heart can hold.

§ May good luck be your friend In whatever you do. And may trouble be always a stranger to you.

§ Hills as green as emeralds cover the countryside. And lakes as blue as sapphires are Ireland’s special pride And rivers that shine like silver Make Ireland look so fair. But the friendliness of her people Is the richest treasure there.

§ May the good saints protect you
And bless you today
And may troubles ignore you
Each step of the way

§ May brooks and trees and singing hills
Join in the chorus too,
And every gentle wind that blows
Send happiness to you.

More Jokes

§ Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one.

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful."

"Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well, where are you going?"

"Salisbury," she replied.

"But Salisbury crawls with Irish, luv!"

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell. There be no Irish there!"

§ Pat opened a furniture store in London and was highly successful. To celebrate, he went on holiday to Paris. Meeting Fred at his favorite pub after returning he said, " Fred, old chap, I just returned from a glorious holiday in Paris."

"You don't say. Why'd you go to Paris, Paddy, when you don't speak French?"

"I know, but I got along okay. I met a beautiful mam'selle in a park. I took out my paper and pen and drew a picture of a plate, knife and fork. She accepted, and we went to a dimly lit café and enjoyed a sumptuous meal. After dinner, I drew a picture of musical note and trumpet, and we went to a cabaret   drank, danced, and made merry. At midnight, she took the pen and paper and drew a picture of a bed..."

"Dash it all, Patty, how'd she know you owned a furniture store?"

§The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

§The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.

§Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

§How can you identify an Irish pirate?  ... He's the one with patches over both eyes.

§Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have. Why do ye ask?

Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale. Its too good to part with."

§Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

"Well, I have and I haven't."

"Well what d'ye mean by that?"

"It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

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§An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor."

He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working."

The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

  §When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

§A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

§The mistress of a manor house called her maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano. "Mary," she said "I could write my name in this dust."

Mary responded 'Isn't education a grand thing ma'm'.

§Kathleen Murphy stands vigil over her husband's deathbed. Warm tears run down her face, splash upon his face, arousing him from slumber.  He looks up.   "My darling Kathleen, " he whispers.

"Hush, my love," she said, "Go back to sleep."

"But Kathleen. I must talk. I have something to confess." 

"There's nothing to confess. All is well. Go back to sleep."

"No. No.  I must die in peace.  I slept with your sister, best friend, and your mother."

Kathleen mustered a pained smile. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself.  I know all about it. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

§Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?" 

§O'Toole worked in the lumberyard for twenty years. All that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him, and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's been fifteen years since my last confession. I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years."

"I understand my son. Can you make a Novena?"

"Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

§Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"I do father."

"Then stand over there against the wall."

Then, he asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father."

"Then stand over there against the wall."

He walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father."

"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

"Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

§Shawn Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son," rebuked the priest. "For penance, do the stations."

§After overtaking Muldoon the taximan, who was speeding, the policeman said to him, "You were doing ninety five miles an hour. What the hell do you think you're at?" He said, "Well, you see, my brakes failed about three miles back and I was rushing home before I caused an accident."

§Burke went to the tailor and said, "Well, I would like one pocket lower than the other, and all the seams coming undone down the sleeves." The tailor said, "I can't make a suit like that." Burke said, "Well you made the last one like it."

§Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate." He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

"I would that, Father."

"If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

"And why not?"

"I have two greyhounds."

§Kathleen came home from a Women's Liberation meeting, and told her husband that the meeting had been about free love. Mike said, "Surely you don't believe in free love?"

"Have I ever sent you a bill?"

§While impatiently waiting for a table in a restaurant, Mrs. O'Brien said to Mrs. Clancy, "If they weren't so crowded here all the time, they'd do a lot more business."

§The FBI in America sent a photograph of a wanted criminal. The photo was in three poses - front face and two sideshots. They said: "We believe this criminal is in Ireland, keep a lookout for him." Two weeks later the Irish police sent back a message to the FBI, with the photograph, which read: "We got the fella in the middle but we're still looking for the other two!"

§A newspaper in Ireland published the headline: "Half the council are crooks", but was asked to retract it. The following week it ran the heading: "Half the council are NOT crooks."

§A switchboard operator at a small hotel in Co. Galway was making her morning alarm calls. At six o'clock she rang room 206, but, as a sleepy voice answered, she glanced at her list again and saw that the call for room 206 was down for eight o'clock. She said sweetly as she could, "Good morning, Sir! You have two more hours to sleep".

§Walker's wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years."

§Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
"It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
"Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

§Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.

"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."

~ Note: If you find any jokes here which are covered by copyright, please let me know so I can delete or properly attribute them. ~

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